Monday, October 22, 2012

Some thoughts

Life is sure an unexpected ride at times.  

I find myself completely on my own, alone and solely responsible for myself for the first time in my life.  It is not a good or bad feeling really.  It is however very sobering.  

It is a little daunting, and very…  I want to say uncomfortable but that is not quite right…  new, like a new pair of shoes you really want to like but they are a bit stiff in the wearing.  One hopes they will feel softer and more comfortable as they get broken in. 

I have spent the vast majority of my life being part of a team.  I was my father’s daughter for really the first half of my life.  

While I was that I was also one half of a partnership that lasted for many years.  For the last almost 20 years I have been one half of a marriage.  One I loved and felt very comfortable with.  Even in the rough spots and those were unquestionably there I still indentified myself as a wife.  I was Tricia but hyphenated with my husband’s name there as well.  There in lies some of the work I am doing.  Discovering what it means to be just me.  In the morning and during the day it is an intriguing, sometimes fun and exciting journey.  

In the evenings at times it can be a lonely feeling sometimes verging on an overwhelmingly fragile and vulnerable existence. 

I go outside and sit with the vast natural surroundings that my house is situated in.  I listen to the crickets, and cicadas and marvel that it is just me and…  THIS.  

This life, this beautiful, precious, vast and amazing but sometimes scary world and me… just me.

There are days when I feel part of a whole, that we are all one.  I look into people’s eyes and see us as all part of a big picture. 

But then there are days when it is just little me, and I feel very separate.  Who am I, what do I want.  What are my plans now that it is just me.  Big questions indeed!

If I should take the step in the future to mix my life with another how do I not repeat the same patterns?  How do I stay Tricia, not Tricia and (fill in the blank).  I read books like Conversations with God by Neal Donald Welsh and he says that after the initial intense coming together you should actively push the other away from you.  That to be needy and enmeshed is to be unhealthy.  

Be together but not.  The Abraham-Hicks books take a similar stance. This is a foreign concept to me.  In every other topic these books ring so true for me.  I am just struggling with a bigger view on relationships.  There is an intriguing aspect to the way they paint a healthy relationship.  It seems right but how do you love someone and not immerse your life with theirs.  How do you maintain your separateness in your coming together?  I thought I believed in a soul mate.  Maybe there are several soul mates… or none at all.  I sometimes wonder if these are the young thoughts of a girl raised on faerie tales.  

At the age of 50 should I think otherwise?  I do believe in powerful connections with others, familiar ones that feel old as the ages.  But what is a soul mate?  If we are all one then maybe everyone is a soul mate.  I think of these things to try to understand what happened in my relationship.  

I don’t necessarily look at it as where did we go wrong.  I am also trying to let go of the notion of wrong and right.  But I do want to understand what happened.  I would like to be very conscious in my life from this point on.  I thought I was before but…? 
I don’t know…  Life is just so big right now. I have so many desires, things I want to do, projects, experiences I want to have…  it’s just…  so huge.  And it is just little me right now, and sometimes staying under the bed covers and reading Tolkien is so much safer.   

I have no family to speak of, no children, husband or partner.  I guess that could be considered a good thing.  I am just trying it on for size at the moment, not sure if it is good or bad or neither one.  To use the shoe analogy it just kind of pinches at the moment.  I do like the look of these shoes;

 I think they could be wonderful…eventually… I hope!  Do you know what I mean?  I think I am in a rather fanciful and pensive state of mind at the moment.  Just curious about your take on my ramblings.  Those of you in happy long-term relationships, what are your thoughts?  I would appreciate your experience.

PS all pictures from Tumbler and Pinterest (just love them!!!)


  1. Hello, Tricia
    I am sorry for your loss of togetherness you were experiencing. And yes, I agree we are raised on faeire tales to the extent we believe marriage is going to be one long romance where we each love each other forever. How wrong I was! I think the melding of two souls in a marriage begins blissfully enough. The problem with mine was he adored other women, sometimes above myself...and that hurt me greatly. So, I had to distance my heart from that hurt and he did apologized, after I got really mad at him, but to this day, I really don't think he understands the depth of the heart of a girl (me) who only wanted him to devote his time to just me. You know? That, and the fact he has 'Intermittent Explosive Disorder' (description on which can be genetic. There was no way I could 'leave' my marriage...I have wanted to because of the emotional pain...but that small voice would always say 'not yet'.. So, I have become probably the strongest I have ever been in my life, as I stopped trying to be someone he expected me to be.
    I think the phrase 'to thine own self be true' has a lot to do with helping any of us to be 'one' with ourselves. I realize everyone's circumstances are unique to the given situation. My heart goes out to you. I was the devoted wife walking around on egg shells just to please my significant other. It took a long time, but now, he seems to be bending over backwards for me as HE DOES KNOW that if he puts a toe out of line, he could loose me. But that is not what my main intention was at all. I just wanted him 'to get it' in his own mind.
    Anyway, I tried to see myself being alone, and I know exactly why you are feeling the way you are. I do have four grown children who know the entire story of our marriage. And of course when men are on their 'best behavior' for you, it still shows that it is about themselves because they don't want to loose their control over your life as you are such an asset to their 'profile'. To have a seemingly 'together' marriage and then to see it fall apart, would make people look at him, and ask why it happened. It is a status symbol more for a man then for a woman.
    Men think compartmentally, and put each thing they own in individual boxes, the house, the cars, the wife, the kids, and it is hard for them to think of more than one item at a time. Women are the opposite, we can multi-task and think and manage many things all at once. So, if a man is admiring another woman in the vicinity even if his wife is near by, he is not necessarily going to even be thinking about his wife. His attention will be on the other woman. I have been married for 38 year and this was happening early on in our marriage. It's not that he had a wandering eye, he just likes women in general and does not hesitate to show them the same attention he does to his wife, which, I think is a sin to put it bluntly. It turned out the problem with my husband had nothing to do with me at all. It wasn't anything that I did to make him be the way he is to me. Live your life to the fullest you know how. I do know women who have had jerks for husbands and ended up in a much more beautiful relationship afterward than before. But at this point in time, I could never see myself ever marrying again, if that ever comes to pass. I am still married. Right now we are at a kind of em pasee where we each do our own thing. It's kind of an unspoken agreement. I have had to shut my heart against any more damage than what has been afflicted upon it.
    many hugs
    Yes, immerse yourself in your creativity and surround yourself with those who support and love you. The shoes will look lovely and fit comfortably once you begin to wear them.
    Teresa in California

  2. My Darling Darling Thelma!!! Ohhh, do I remember that feeling of aloneness... altho' I have a lovely child, the longing for a partner, a GOOD Partner, was something that eluded me for many many moons! Like 18 years??? Probably the duration of the time that you were IN relationship, I was, for the most part, OUT>>>> oft-times in relationship and feeling as lonely as if I were alone! Hmmm... what a dilemma!! But what I have to say about that time, cliche as this may sound, I learned so much!!! And I read, and danced and cried and made a bunch of friends, and really found a way to embrace life!!! YOU are free to truly EMBRACE life like you never had before!!! It is BEAUTIFUL!!! It's really not so much about the shoes, but about YOUR FEET!!!! Your Lotus Blossom Feet( as the Chinese would say!!!)... Yet they are NOT bound anymore~!!! They are lovingly going to dance you everywhere and ANYWHERE you would like to go!!! You can climb mountains, you can wade thru rivers and streams and oceans... YOUR FEET ARE FREE!!! Thus so is your soul.. and as you are making your way, away from the past that tethered you, you are coming to recognize just how AMAZING your life is... and I feel SO grateful that I get to witness this!!! Though I am not your Blood relative, we are sisters... Soul Sisters. On the phone with you today, it really struck me to tears how far you have come in so little time. Keep the faith my Sister... The Mystery is whirling about you... it is TIME!!!!
    Anytime you need the F.P. Oracle... you let me know!!!
    I am here for you ALWAYS>>>> Your Sister LouLou LouEase... ; )

  3. First, I have to say - love the pictures as well. Then, Oh I hear ya honey. I guess my comment is really take time to breath in and out(took me about 6 years.) And as far as trying to be a half of any relationship - I would have to say - YOU ARE VERY TALENTED AND IMPORTANT. I am not yelling at you, just don't ever forget that part. If someone enhances what is best in you, there will probably be a good bond. If they know the not so good parts but are still able to focus on the good, well, that's just good. Like your shoes, they should compliment the ensemble not distract or ruin it.
    One more little thought on the books - can't see pushing my loved ones (hubby) away; however, I think there is a difference between needy and supportive.
    Know you are not alone - you are you the one and only, but not alone.
    Have an absolutely beautiful day, and let the air you breath empower you.

  4. Oh my, reading this has given me a perspective on something I am seriously struggling with. I have described my marriage often as the "silence is deafening" and yet here I am -- I married young and am I staying because I do not know if I know how to be alone? I am saving this post link to my desktop shortcuts as I think I may have more pondering to do on this path.

    You are a beautiful and special soul my new found inspirational friend?

  5. I was lonely in elementary school and oh I remember it well. I had know one to talk to but soon reallized that I should pick myself up and smile and a new friend would come alone soon. I had to be the best person that I could be.

    You ae a true person and are the best that you can be. I love the photos...

  6. Oh sweet girl... I wish I could tell you the answers. But, even though Larry & I have been together 42 (OMG how did the time fly so quickly?) I find myself wondering some of the same thoughts. Not the being alone part(& I can tell you that I think you are doing amazingly well as I'd be terrified. I can only imagine your perplexity at "what next". But, I think we just have to live in each moment because for all of us... life changes. Sometimes slowly & we don't see it but, it does.... And then other times BAM!!!!! It hits you right between the running lights. I think to OVER THINK or try to plan life or relationships out is giving way to much precious time to something we really have little control over. Better to have loved & lost than to never have loved at all. Don't you think? I do! And that goes for parents, animals, husbands/lovers... And don't think having children would have safe guarded you from "ALONE" as they grow up & lead their own lives leaving you where??? ALONE with maybe an occasional visit. Your friends are gifts. Family are given to us & do the best we can. WE CHOOSE OUR FRIENDS!!! So, there's my thoughts on the subject. Hope they helped. I'm heading back out to California but, will be far south of you these trips. Hope you'll pop by for a visit. Miss you. HUGS!
    Charlene, Larry & Elle remembering fun times we had together this past summer.

  7. Hello, we dont know each other,, I know you a bit more then you know me since I have been reading your amazing Blog for some time now. I stare at the pics savoring all the textures, colors, flight and fancy. I also have felt your struggle and your heart ache. In that, as women, or spiritual beings trying to sort out this human experience we know each other well.
    We all experience heart ache, struggle, loneliness,
    grief, when we are the ones in it it feels like we are the only ones,, No one has felt the way we do. Sometimes the best medicine is getting out and offering love and compassion to someone enduring something more then we are.I have been married, been divorced, been together and been alone, I have been with out a home with 3 little cubs following me waiting to see where I would lead them for safety and comfort again.
    I am not "alone" now. I have a beautiful relationship.. I reunited with my first love after being apart for 15 years. We have been together 11 years now and I had a "later" in Life baby, Lily, our LOVE child. Miracles happen, Love happens again. :) Have faith.
    Have you read" A Womans Worth" by Marianne Williamson? find books, music, flowers, art, kitties, friends that inspire you while you go through this transformation perhaps a ceremony symbolizing this Rite if Passage??.
    Be Well! Be Happy! Be Love !!
    Blessed Be !


  8. Mmmmm, I think the considerations you are musing upon are worthy indeed. To be aware is everything. Does that mean there is an end game and somewhere to "Get to"? I don't think so... it is the intention and practice of awareness that seems to cause the veils to drift away...will you do the work and clear it all up? Probably not. Can you? Can any of us? I am not pessimistic in this respect, not in the least. But this notion is one of the faery tails we may live with that lead us towards unobtainable goals, and so greater and greater disappointment in life and so ourselves. Life happens big, life happens small, and the damnedest things will happen along the way. Compassion for ourselves in this seems to be a most significant key... Soul mate? Yes, they exist. At least, in my universe. I have met mine, and this has been the sweetest and darkest of the experiences of my life. This is not a panacea, this soul mate. They are not Prince Charming, they are utter and abundant magnification of you as you to you as well as them. Oh yes, think many level glass chessboard...HUGE challenges there. And yet, also huge realizations. In my tradition, soul mates have varying degrees of connectedness... some are those you have chosen to blend with in the ethers, and then there is that one that is your primary soul mate, the one from the beginning...your exact opposite. WHONGO. I have the most intense love/hate relationship with mine...mostly love, even though we are not "together". Which breaks my heart, and I would give it all to be by his side. As to the consideration to push them away...I understand that. The romance spark we all know and love as women is activated for men when they have to pick their heads up and look around to find us. Not to play games, that isn't it. It is to be sovereign, with independent experiences and expressions. Then, when coming back together, it is still exciting and fun, you are bringing something fresh to the party of you two. And as to us, we feel strong and sexy when we are having some time and experiences that are just ours. We are that vibrant woman that man feel in love with! Kahlil Gibran speaks this to my consciousness most eloquently..."

  9. “Let there be spaces in your togetherness, And let the winds of the heavens dance between you. Love one another but make not a bond of love: Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls. Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup. Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf. Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone, Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music. Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping. For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts. And stand together, yet not too near together: For the pillars of the temple stand apart, And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.”
    So what to do, what to do... I support you in doing exactly what you are doing. Feel it! Feel it all and go deep, and yet resist the urge to fix it. In my understanding, it is the act looking itself that creates the opportunity for the unwinding/unraveling of the old, and so the growth of the new. See your patterns. Do the very best you can to forgive yourself for the ones that have brought you pain. Yet the pain is there to wake you up, to cause you to move towards awareness. This you are doing. As multilayered, confusing and complex as all of this can be, there really is no real figuring it all out. That's a really tough one to accept, at least for me. But I believe we have layers of lifetimes, our ancestors DNA and so their issues...oh, it is too much really. So look, see what you can. Do your best to sidestep it in the future when you see the same outcome barreling down the track at you. And also know, even with the best of efforts and intentions, and all the best "work" in the world, life is one huge chaotic happening that is totally out of anyone's control. The outer edges are always being ruffled, or utterly destroyed, or something in is our very own center where all is calm and peace resides, always. Even knowing this, and having found it many times, it is still elusive...but worth the quest, don't you think? What else can we do? Love, forgive, cherish, befriend, give thanks, love, and love some more. I haven't found anything else that matters more.

  10. My Dear Friend... what a transparent and vulnerable, yet thought provoking Post you have written. You are keeping it Real as always. I have found, in ANY Relationship, there has to be a delicate balance of Togetherness and Apartness. Because there are always Seasons in every Relationship we enter into and ebbs & flows of when or how long the Togetherness portions are or how it all will play out. Children grow up... Friends come and go... and even in Romantic Relationships there can be times when you can't be Together or a Relationship ends or a Loved One passes from Time into Eternity. So I have always Cherished my Apartness Time as much as my Togetherness Time with everyone I have a Relationship with... because there will ultimately be those Times when I will find myself Alone and I have to be totally at Peace and Comfortable with THAT Relationship too... the one with Myself. I Pray that your Journey towards the Comfort and Peace with your Time alone with yourself and getting to know yourself all the better for it brings you to a place where it feels like that favorite pair of comfortable shoes. It is a Process and you are in a Transitional Period of your Life, which is perfectly Natural for it to feel less familiar. BTW LOVING your Shoe & Hat Collection!

    Hugs and Blessings from the Arizona Desert... Dawn... The Bohemian

  11. Oh sweet Tricia, it makes my heart ache too hear you are still in so much pain. The thing is, there really isn't a way for you to be sure of love and commitment the next time. I want you to understand this, read your self help books and call me anytime but I'm telling you this, IT WAS NOT YOU who ended the relationship. You were broad sided and it left you in a puddle. It's like when most people go through a divorce there is a period leading up to it that gives you time to prepare your heart and head. YOU didn't get that chance.

    This has nothing to do with you, you don't need to change anything!!! You're adorable, skinny as a bean pole, you have a smile that could light Yankee's stadium, and you have a kind and loving heart. Heck if I were single and male I'd date you! But seriously, I do understand being alone, been there, done that and then took the plunge again. Is it perfect? Heavens no but it works with a few potholes and volcano eruptions but not perfect.

    I adore you and all these women ahead of me adore you. I know night time is the hardest time because of the quiet,but in time you will start to enjoy it. If not come to Texas and I'll find you a cute cowboy! I'm trying to lift your spirit but I do hear you. Big hugs to you. I wish I could come visit you this next california trip but I'll be further south. I would love to plan a visit when you're ready. You're in my thoughts and I'm here if you need anything. Kiss the fuzzy faces for me, xoxo-cin

  12. Darling Tricia, I am sitting at my desk with tears rolling down my cheeks. I admire your strength in sharing your innermost fears and heartache. I find myself resonating with so much of what you have written here, although I am at a crossroads of which direction to take next in my personal life. I believe that a soul mate is someone who holds up a mirror to us, to help us to bring out those shadow parts of ourselves which need to be healed. At least that is how it has been for me. Life and relationships are messy and hard, and it is true that the relationship we have with ourselves is perhaps the most important one of all. I have deep respect for each and every one of the women who has left a comment here, and I nearly didn't leave a message myself, for I feel I could never express myself as eloquently as those before me. Take care, my sweet friend, and immerse yourself in getting to know Tricia, amazing, talented, huge-hearted Tricia. Big hugs xxx

  13. Tricia....I know exactly how you feel except that I have two children who were an immense help at times when I was going through my divorce...but the nights were the hardest...even after a horrible marriage I thought I would welcome the quiet but at first it was hard..then I began to enjoy the night quiet...I read, I exercised..I went to the movies alone... I began to really enjoy being by myself... I am in a great relationship now but it does have the external problems of other people who like to cause trouble just because they have nothing better to do and then I want to run back to that quiet place... But that is the risk you take no matter our decision...keep putting that one foot in front of the other...when the time is right someone will step on to the path with don;t have to look,,,they are already out there...waiting.. you have to take care of your self first...and from what I have read you are focusing on things that will benefit you...your shop, your weddings, your amazing talent......and read that Tolkien book under the covers...I did that alot!! very good for the soul...your healing your heart...that means you need TLC so indulge ...It is hard right now, its a hard world, but when you come out on the other is like a breath of fresh air....Hang in there Sistah...Your where you should be...(((HuGS)))))

  14. Tricia, I'm sorry I missed this one, but as I read this post and all the comments I feel there is little to say. What I do want to say is not positive in terms of relations with men for I have figured them out and there is not an equality in anything we do for we are different creatures and every word/deed we speak/do means something different to them...same words, different meanings and there is really no clear communication. Just yesterday I spoke with a woman who was telling me of the difficulties of communicating with her man and all her friends etc etc. For me I see the world of difference. Women give themselves...they give themselves away to the object of their love, but when it doesn't land in fertile soil, they are left with a void and Nature/woman abhors a void....this is what you are feeling, the lack of return and its grief. There is so much I want to say, but to type it all is crazy, so I will leave it here. I believe the time you have is to spend getting back the pieces of your soul and heart you gave away. The heart is reticent in returning once given and it will take time. I gave myself to my ex of 20 years and didn't know he thought of our relationship differently than I did which was to me a 5th dimensional one, (my perception) but not in his world, and his words of love were not spoken from the same place as my words of love....same words different meaning and therefore outcome. One of the important things women must learn on this planet is to love any way, but to begin to do this so they get to the level they love their men. This is not easy because of the centuries of the woman being conditioned/defined by men and she not ever getting to know herself. Listen to Jean Houston for she also may help you in bad moments. I have been alone now for 10 years recuperating from the side swipe of my ex without a single interest from a man, (no I'm not frumpy :D) some kind of bizarre quarantine from them, either by divine decree or other, not sure. Have I missed being in relationship and "getting loved", in a way yes, but I see now how different it always was. At this point my time has been so long in my own self that I can no longer accept anything less than what my spirit and soul requires for true love. I no longer settle. I do not accept being made to be smaller than I was to make another comfortable in being who he is. This is what I find common, how small a woman must be to make 'him' comfortable and how serving she must be. This is not for me anymore. I require a love that is grand like mine, for love requires a palatial heart to reside in, and this must come from both parts for the two to feel the one love. My ex even said my "problem" was that I love too much. I must end now, write me if you wish, or call even. warmest hugs. Let Nature get into you. lady

  15. Hello treasure, im here at last. Oh i do hear you and so know the feelings you are going through. That feeling of loneliness it is the strangest of creatures, though i too had my children to keep me company when I found myself alone! As others have said before, it does change. For me it turned around to be an amazing journey of finding self. Keep trying on those beautiful shoes, the more comfortable they become, the more they will feel just like you! You will discover exactly what you need to discover. sending hugs from across the seas x ps: thank you for your beautiful words, I wish you could have been there too x