Monday, May 28, 2012

The road goes ever on and on....

Hello my blog friends,
I wish I could tell you that I have been off creating beautiful weddings and events and that is why I have been absent for so long.  Though I have had a few lovely weddings and photo shoots the real reason is that life changed course on me a little over 3 months ago.

  My husband and I are parting ways after being together as a couple (married and before that) for 18 years.  There really are no words to express the emotions of the last several weeks.  These days have been the hardest of my life.

I know that time will heal my heart and bring me joy again, but right now I am just taking the next indicated step.  These steps have been big ones, I have moved my home and workspace.  It broke my heart to leave behind most of the cats and my glorious home and artist space.  My angles have been taking good care of me though.  I find myself in another beautiful home on this magical ranch.  The garage is now my prop storage area and there is a funky old green house that will become my new artist space after a bit of construction.

We are sharing the cats.  I took a few with me and Mike is staying with the rest in our old home.  I just can't break up the herd by taking too many.  I don't want to cause them any more stress than they are already experiencing.  They have been acting a bit off for a while and I know it is because they have been sensing all the problems and sadness.  I have taken the sweet little misfits that didn't really fit in well with the others and the happy-go-lucky ones that seem to be content no matter what.  I will visit the rest often and of course help with the various duties that caring for so many bring.  Michael is taking on a house mate to help pay the now double rent bill.

 I know all will be OK I just didn't see this coming so I am working hard to adjust and adapt with each day.

 Michael and I have known each other for 28 years and have been friends the entire time.  We are remaining friends even in the face of this rather challenging turn of events.  For that I am grateful.

I am looking at my life now as that I am being given a opportunity to create my world from scratch, start over, not just with my home and workspace but on a personal level as well.   At times it feels like a daunting task but there are infinite choices before me.  I am breathing through it and trying to feel my way to a new sense of myself.

My dearest friend in the world has been a rock for me, there is no way I could have made it through these dark days without her.

I worked with my counselor of many years several times a week as well as a wonderful healer friend.  These ladies along with my friend pulled me through.  I am in awe of friendship and those that are here on this beautiful planet to help others...  They have truly saved my life!
I am also beyond grateful for my spirituality.

If I didn't have my belief in something greater than myself and the amazing wisdom of the Universe, there would have been no way for me to make sense of this.

I am now meditating daily, 

walking like crazy, practicing yoga and actively working with my Spirit helpers
 and various wonderful books 
 to help me grow and learn from this.

I am truly realizing that we are not alone in our walk on this planet.  If we can but see, there are a multitude of helpers, angles, spirit guides and sign posts here to help us.  God is truly in everything and is all that is Love, and gives us so much help if we will see it and reach for it.

I try hard to pay attention to the signs and messengers,

reaching for any divine help that is offered.  Even in the face of this most difficult time I honestly feel more connected to God and my path than ever.

I can't say I did in the first three weeks.  Those days are a black haze 
that I don't really remember too well.  

I think your body in it's infinite wisdom shuts down in times of extreme stress, blurring over the super painful parts.  I am grateful for that.  It allows you to keep moving forward instead of 
curling up and dying.  
I am better now though far from whole and I continue to have waves of sadness and anger, though less frequently.  I am still working and finding joy in other people's unions (however it was very difficult in the beginning).  At the moment I am unable to stay for the ceremony as it fill me with too much sadness and I do not want to bring that energy to such a special day.  I give myself over to the magic of creating beautiful celebrations and working with Nature's glorious flowers.  I still believe in marriage, relationships, and soul mates.  Call me silly, or just a hopeless romantic but I think we are here to be with each other, stretch and grow and remember who we are by being in relationship with others.  
I will trust to God, my life, my process, my path and carry on.

If I sound miraculously together and well adjusted, believe me when I say I haven't been like this through the whole thing.  I have had moments (long ones) of crying my eyes out in a fetal position questioning everything, and liking nothing!  But even in the worst of it I have sensed a presence, something stronger and wiser than myself.  I am trusting to that and the belief that I will be OK. 

I had no idea what or even if I should post about such a personal issue.  I have thought about what this blog is to me, and what I want to say to the cyber world.  It took me a while to figure this out and that is why I was silent for so long (that and the rather prolonged meltdown I was having).  This blog is a reflection of me, of my loves, my desires, my creations and my life.  To not post about the most important thing in my life would be to end the blog as to continue it without relaying such an important event would be disingenuous.  But I don't really care to share the deepest secrets and details either.  I am also so visual that to just write with out pictures didn't seem me either.  But how do you post pictures of such an emotional, amorphous subject?
  I decided to share my process with you, not so much the details but my experience of it.  I looked to find images that conveyed a feeling, a mood, not a factual representation as that would be impossible. 
 In everything I do I still want to evoke a feeling of beauty, even in the dark times.  There is beauty in everything if one sees God in everything.  I am learning how to do this and I tried with these images and words to show that.

I will post again soon, hopefully with lighter topics though I will still share bits of my process with you.  I will also share photos of my new surroundings.  I found a magical meditation place on a rock next to a stream which  I will show you later...  as well as the many beautiful events I am ever a part of.

For now I end by sending you my heartfelt wishes for joy and peace, and a connection to Spirit.  
(here's to hopefully feeling happy again...)

Please also keep me in your prayers and happy thoughts.  I do believe they work!
Peace, light and love