Monday, May 28, 2012

The road goes ever on and on....

Hello my blog friends,
I wish I could tell you that I have been off creating beautiful weddings and events and that is why I have been absent for so long.  Though I have had a few lovely weddings and photo shoots the real reason is that life changed course on me a little over 3 months ago.

  My husband and I are parting ways after being together as a couple (married and before that) for 18 years.  There really are no words to express the emotions of the last several weeks.  These days have been the hardest of my life.

I know that time will heal my heart and bring me joy again, but right now I am just taking the next indicated step.  These steps have been big ones, I have moved my home and workspace.  It broke my heart to leave behind most of the cats and my glorious home and artist space.  My angles have been taking good care of me though.  I find myself in another beautiful home on this magical ranch.  The garage is now my prop storage area and there is a funky old green house that will become my new artist space after a bit of construction.

We are sharing the cats.  I took a few with me and Mike is staying with the rest in our old home.  I just can't break up the herd by taking too many.  I don't want to cause them any more stress than they are already experiencing.  They have been acting a bit off for a while and I know it is because they have been sensing all the problems and sadness.  I have taken the sweet little misfits that didn't really fit in well with the others and the happy-go-lucky ones that seem to be content no matter what.  I will visit the rest often and of course help with the various duties that caring for so many bring.  Michael is taking on a house mate to help pay the now double rent bill.

 I know all will be OK I just didn't see this coming so I am working hard to adjust and adapt with each day.

 Michael and I have known each other for 28 years and have been friends the entire time.  We are remaining friends even in the face of this rather challenging turn of events.  For that I am grateful.

I am looking at my life now as that I am being given a opportunity to create my world from scratch, start over, not just with my home and workspace but on a personal level as well.   At times it feels like a daunting task but there are infinite choices before me.  I am breathing through it and trying to feel my way to a new sense of myself.

My dearest friend in the world has been a rock for me, there is no way I could have made it through these dark days without her.

I worked with my counselor of many years several times a week as well as a wonderful healer friend.  These ladies along with my friend pulled me through.  I am in awe of friendship and those that are here on this beautiful planet to help others...  They have truly saved my life!
I am also beyond grateful for my spirituality.

If I didn't have my belief in something greater than myself and the amazing wisdom of the Universe, there would have been no way for me to make sense of this.

I am now meditating daily, 

walking like crazy, practicing yoga and actively working with my Spirit helpers
 and various wonderful books 
 to help me grow and learn from this.

I am truly realizing that we are not alone in our walk on this planet.  If we can but see, there are a multitude of helpers, angles, spirit guides and sign posts here to help us.  God is truly in everything and is all that is Love, and gives us so much help if we will see it and reach for it.

I try hard to pay attention to the signs and messengers,

reaching for any divine help that is offered.  Even in the face of this most difficult time I honestly feel more connected to God and my path than ever.

I can't say I did in the first three weeks.  Those days are a black haze 
that I don't really remember too well.  

I think your body in it's infinite wisdom shuts down in times of extreme stress, blurring over the super painful parts.  I am grateful for that.  It allows you to keep moving forward instead of 
curling up and dying.  
I am better now though far from whole and I continue to have waves of sadness and anger, though less frequently.  I am still working and finding joy in other people's unions (however it was very difficult in the beginning).  At the moment I am unable to stay for the ceremony as it fill me with too much sadness and I do not want to bring that energy to such a special day.  I give myself over to the magic of creating beautiful celebrations and working with Nature's glorious flowers.  I still believe in marriage, relationships, and soul mates.  Call me silly, or just a hopeless romantic but I think we are here to be with each other, stretch and grow and remember who we are by being in relationship with others.  
I will trust to God, my life, my process, my path and carry on.

If I sound miraculously together and well adjusted, believe me when I say I haven't been like this through the whole thing.  I have had moments (long ones) of crying my eyes out in a fetal position questioning everything, and liking nothing!  But even in the worst of it I have sensed a presence, something stronger and wiser than myself.  I am trusting to that and the belief that I will be OK. 

I had no idea what or even if I should post about such a personal issue.  I have thought about what this blog is to me, and what I want to say to the cyber world.  It took me a while to figure this out and that is why I was silent for so long (that and the rather prolonged meltdown I was having).  This blog is a reflection of me, of my loves, my desires, my creations and my life.  To not post about the most important thing in my life would be to end the blog as to continue it without relaying such an important event would be disingenuous.  But I don't really care to share the deepest secrets and details either.  I am also so visual that to just write with out pictures didn't seem me either.  But how do you post pictures of such an emotional, amorphous subject?
  I decided to share my process with you, not so much the details but my experience of it.  I looked to find images that conveyed a feeling, a mood, not a factual representation as that would be impossible. 
 In everything I do I still want to evoke a feeling of beauty, even in the dark times.  There is beauty in everything if one sees God in everything.  I am learning how to do this and I tried with these images and words to show that.

I will post again soon, hopefully with lighter topics though I will still share bits of my process with you.  I will also share photos of my new surroundings.  I found a magical meditation place on a rock next to a stream which  I will show you later...  as well as the many beautiful events I am ever a part of.

For now I end by sending you my heartfelt wishes for joy and peace, and a connection to Spirit.  
(here's to hopefully feeling happy again...)

Please also keep me in your prayers and happy thoughts.  I do believe they work!
Peace, light and love


  1. You will be in my prayers, I'm glad you asked. I'm happy you have had your friends and helpers, this is crucial. You did an excruciatingly beautiful job of making yourself clear with all the pictures you have posted, this post is to be savored, a keeper as a chronicle of emotions that are not specific but understood. Deep namaste and love going to your deepest hurts. blessings, Lady

  2. Boojie smoojiee booooojie!! We love you!! LMoon&Moo

  3. Darling Tricia, my faraway kindred friend, it is clear to me now why you have been in my thoughts these past weeks. Thankyou for sharing your most personal thoughts, which resonated deeply with me. How difficult this time must be for you, but your connection to spirit is profound, and will help you through these dark times. I too gain comfort in nature and the gifts she brings...we have only to open our eyes and our hearts. Please know that you are in my thoughts, and I am sending you healing love and light. I only wish I lived closer to sit and meditate with you on your rock, and to hold your hand. Take care my beautiful, whimsical friend x

  4. Tricia....first I want to say thank you for the beautiful words you left on my blog. You are so strong. I will be sending you love and light....and will remember you each day when I light my candles. I know that sharing your inner most personal feelings can be hard to do in such a space....but I have found that my tribe extends into this world.

  5. I hope you get through this tough time and come out smiling. It seems a lot of us are going through big emotional changes. Myself included. Healing hugs to you. Hugs Sara

  6. You are a truly strong and beautiful soul, Tricia, for being able to find beauty in even the darkest of times and places. It takes a remarkable person to share this sort of thing with even the closest of friends, much less the world at large. My hope for you is to continue to find Joy, Comfort and Beauty all around. You will be in my thoughts and I'll light a pink candle on my altar for you. Many hugs and lots of love.

  7. A person that you truly love may be seen as a mirror of the love that you have for yourself, and that's why they are so attractive to you. You give them to yourself as a gift. Not a vain, egotistical love, but a love for the spirit within you. When that "mirror" is gone, you have only lost the reflection of your self-love, and not the love itself. You still have within you the same powerful gift, and the reflections will be all around you in different "mirrors."

    This isn't my original idea. During a time of great loss, I was given a book, "Living Through Personal Crisis" by Anne Kaiser Stearns. With all that you have going on you may not feel like sitting and reading a book about loss when you have to stay on top of re-organizing your life, but what I wrote above is the gist of what I took with me from reading the book. It got me through the loss of my mother (who gave it to me), my wonderful partner of 5-1/2 years who died, and then the best friend that helped me through the other two. All within a year and a half.

    I've seen the beauty you create, and that's why I wrote you to start with a short while ago. With that kind of magic in your soul, you'll be fine.

    Look for the mirrors.

  8. I wanted to let you know I nominated you for a Creative Blogger award :), that;s because I really like your blog, it's magical.

  9. Tricia..I am sending you much love. I am glad you have been able to open up to your friends and all your guides to help you during this difficult patch in your life. All of that helps.
    Take great care of yourself.

  10. I absolutely adore your blog, it is so full of magick & wonder, which must be innate parts of you. Thank you for sharing yourself, and my heart goes out to you during this difficult time. ♥

  11. Tricia,,,many prayers, good thoughts & energy are being sent to a Phoenix you will rise from the ashes...better & wiser...the exercise & meditation will help you immensely...It was a saving grace for me....I went through the same thing 12 years ago...I can't remember most of it & I agree the body shuts down into a survival mode which is a good ex & I did not end well nor are we friends but I have moved on...But I can tell you life opens to a new journey & new will marvel at what happens...but one thing I learned was to embrace the makes it pass much faster & letting go becomes easier...

    God will see you through as will your friends & family & animals...

    Take the best of care of yourself...<3<3

  12. I've already sent you an email but I'll leave you a hug here too. I'm so sorry your heart hurts. I wish I could fix it for you but like you said, this is a journey only you can take. We're all listening and care about you. Never hold back, that's one of the things I know I love most about you. Your wild spirit and your warm heart. Hang in there doll, hug the fuzzy faces for me,xoxoxox-cindy

  13. Oh Dear Tricia... I am so very sorry to hear of the Valley you are currently moving through. I am glad you stopped by today to leave a message so that I could reconnect after your long absence and give you a Virtual Hug after the sharing of your Story. There are no words... just know that I have been there and your Beautiful Outlook and Strong Faith will bring you through. Know that many of us do Care, even from afar... and you will certainly be in my Prayers. I am glad that you have not held back... I too decided that my Blog will only be True to Self if I include some of the Valleys of Life I am experiencing and affect me deeply.

    Hugs and Blessings from the Arizona Desert... Dawn... The Bohemian

  14. Sending you positive energy as you move through this difficult time. Cats are always such a help during times of stress, glad you were able to bring some along. Here's to your new space, may it take on your creative spirit and become a haven of peace for you.

  15. I'm so sorry that your life has suddenly taken a road you would not have chosen. I hope this new turning will eventually lead to a new place of comfort and happiness for you. I believe you are a person who carries beauty in your heart.

    Jane x

  16. So sorry to hear about this. Sending you much love and positive feelings to help you move forward.

    Rachel xx

  17. ...may thee find the rainbow's end ~ dive in ~ splash ~ make hay ~ while the weather permits ~ and may your spirit find gentle respite ~ i send thee sweet ribbons to tie back your tresses ~ fly free with the winds of change ~ may thee blessed be... ...xXx... ...Samantha...

  18. Dearest Tricia, I am so sorry to hear of your heartache ~ all I can say ( from my own experience) is that it will pass . . .in time. You are an amazing, lovely & gentle lady with tthe sweetest soul and im sending you hugs across the seas and thinking of you x So sorry i hadn't been in touch for ever, life has a habit of turning & twisting doesn't it. blessings to you treasure and hoping you are finding smiles in moments again. ruthie x x x

  19. Just wanted to tell you your site is wondrous, inspiring, and thought provoking. It reflects a beautiful, intelligent, loving and sensitive woman!
    Sending light, love and blessings . . . Veronica