Some thoughts

Life is sure an unexpected ride at times.  

I find myself completely on my own, alone and solely responsible for myself for the first time in my life.  It is not a good or bad feeling really.  It is however very sobering.  

It is a little daunting, and very…  I want to say uncomfortable but that is not quite right…  new, like a new pair of shoes you really want to like but they are a bit stiff in the wearing.  One hopes they will feel softer and more comfortable as they get broken in. 

I have spent the vast majority of my life being part of a team.  I was my father’s daughter for really the first half of my life.  

While I was that I was also one half of a partnership that lasted for many years.  For the last almost 20 years I have been one half of a marriage.  One I loved and felt very comfortable with.  Even in the rough spots and those were unquestionably there I still indentified myself as a wife.  I was Tricia but hyphenated with my husband’s name there as well.  There in lies some of the work I am doing.  Discovering what it means to be just me.  In the morning and during the day it is an intriguing, sometimes fun and exciting journey.  

In the evenings at times it can be a lonely feeling sometimes verging on an overwhelmingly fragile and vulnerable existence. 

I go outside and sit with the vast natural surroundings that my house is situated in.  I listen to the crickets, and cicadas and marvel that it is just me and…  THIS.  

This life, this beautiful, precious, vast and amazing but sometimes scary world and me… just me.

There are days when I feel part of a whole, that we are all one.  I look into people’s eyes and see us as all part of a big picture. 

But then there are days when it is just little me, and I feel very separate.  Who am I, what do I want.  What are my plans now that it is just me.  Big questions indeed!

If I should take the step in the future to mix my life with another how do I not repeat the same patterns?  How do I stay Tricia, not Tricia and (fill in the blank).  I read books like Conversations with God by Neal Donald Welsh and he says that after the initial intense coming together you should actively push the other away from you.  That to be needy and enmeshed is to be unhealthy.  

Be together but not.  The Abraham-Hicks books take a similar stance. This is a foreign concept to me.  In every other topic these books ring so true for me.  I am just struggling with a bigger view on relationships.  There is an intriguing aspect to the way they paint a healthy relationship.  It seems right but how do you love someone and not immerse your life with theirs.  How do you maintain your separateness in your coming together?  I thought I believed in a soul mate.  Maybe there are several soul mates… or none at all.  I sometimes wonder if these are the young thoughts of a girl raised on faerie tales.  

At the age of 50 should I think otherwise?  I do believe in powerful connections with others, familiar ones that feel old as the ages.  But what is a soul mate?  If we are all one then maybe everyone is a soul mate.  I think of these things to try to understand what happened in my relationship.  

I don’t necessarily look at it as where did we go wrong.  I am also trying to let go of the notion of wrong and right.  But I do want to understand what happened.  I would like to be very conscious in my life from this point on.  I thought I was before but…? 

I don’t know…  Life is just so big right now. I have so many desires, things I want to do, projects, experiences I want to have…  it’s just…  so huge.  And it is just little me right now, and sometimes staying under the bed covers and reading Tolkien is so much safer.   

I have no family to speak of, no children, husband or partner.  I guess that could be considered a good thing.  I am just trying it on for size at the moment, not sure if it is good or bad or neither one.  To use the shoe analogy it just kind of pinches at the moment.  I do like the look of these shoes;

 I think they could be wonderful…eventually… I hope!  Do you know what I mean?  I think I am in a rather fanciful and pensive state of mind at the moment.  Just curious about your take on my ramblings.  Those of you in happy long-term relationships, what are your thoughts?  I would appreciate your experience.

PS all pictures from Tumbler and Pinterest (just love them!!!)

A beautiful vintage barn wedding... with a story

Hello Everyone.
I have another beautiful wedding to show you.  This has a funny story to go with it.

So this lovely young women by the name of Angela Hudson and her guy Svend show up at the ranch to look at the barn as a potential site for there wedding.

They had seen both the ranch and my work on the Internet and loved everything and 

wanted to book us both.

They wanted a romantic vintage look...  right up my alley!

As I usually do I asked them what they did for a living and where they were from.

The lady said she was a tour manager for a music group and the man was the drummer.  She was from Santa Barbara and he was from Denmark.

(the bridesmaids bouquets)

I asked who the band was and she told me but I had never heard of them before.  I think that surprised them.  I haven't had TV for 15 years and I do not listen to the radio.  I don't even have AOL as a home page on my computer.  I just do not keep in touch with pop culture.  I find I have a much more calm and thoughtful life that way.  Anyway I forgot about it and also what they did for a living.  I was focused on the look for the wedding and making that happen.

(the check in table where the guests picked out their name and table assignment)

So off we went planning their beautiful wedding.

We had several meetings looking over props and flowers.  I was surprised when a fairly well known coordinator and photographer showed up to one of these meetings just to photograph the mock up.  But again I didn't pay a lot of attention.  It was just about Angela and Svend and 

the magic we were creating.

Anyway I guess word got out and some folks I know started contacting me wanting some woman's phone number that was getting married on the ranch.  I didn't know it was in relation to this wedding.  I thought it was another bride's name that was getting married on the ranch.  I searched my files and started panicking because I didn't find this lady's name anywhere.  

Oh my...  had I misplaced this bride's file!!!!

Finally someone took pity on me and explained that she was the sister of a bride getting married on the ranch and that she was a famous singer.  They didn't know the bride's name.  They wanted to try and get the singer to play for a charity function.  I politely explained that these people were private and that I could not give their number out to anyone, especially when they didn't even know the brides name!!!  And after I was asked, I said no I couldn't get them into the wedding either.  

I tried to remember the singer's name to ask my girlfriend who she was, but I just couldn't remember.

She laughed at me and named off a few famous singers but it just didn't ring a bell.

(the tepee belongs to the bride's sister and we set it up as a cool hang out for the kids that were coming to the wedding)

Well anyway the wedding arrived and everything looked so beautiful.  The bride was super happy!  As I handed the bride and her maids their bouquets I noticed that one of them had purple hair.  I told her that she had great taste as purple was my favorite color and she would be a great match for my purple Morris Minor car.  She said nicely but firmly that the wedding wasn't about her but her sister.  Ah ha!  I thought...  this must be the famous singer!  Still couldn't remember her name though.

Well now I know. The sister of Angela Hudson is Katy Perry.  The picture below is in Santa Barbara Magazine.  Yes... that is Katy to the right of Angela the bride.  You can't tell but she really did have purple hair.  

I have heard since that she is really into cats.

Can't be all bad then.

He He

Svend, Angela and her sister were super sweet and it was a pleasure to have them on the ranch and create such a beautiful wedding.

Furry Blessings to all of you!

Tricia