Hello my blog friends…
Life is sure an amazing ride isn't it?
Life is sure an amazing ride isn't it?
(image from Pinterest)
Sometimes if I am conscious
enough to pay attention and even actually get out of the way I am stunned into
awe over the beauty of it. I see from time to time some kind of higher
power's intention for my life. I am so grateful for those moments.
They confirm my belief in this higher power who seems to be guiding me,
keeping me on some sort of a path of purpose even when I unwittingly try to derail
it. I have been especially aware of this guidance over the last 3 or so
years.
As many of you know I went through an unexpected divorce almost 3 years ago. Pain and sorrow had totally taken me, I truly though my life was ending... and in a way it did. My old life, one that was not quite allowing me to be fully in this world, in my gifts, living, being and loving to the highest was ending. Something more true and meaningful for me was about to begin, but I sure didn't know it at the time. All I knew was a pain so great I though I would totally be consumed in the intensity of it.
At critical points Spirit would send me the most unlikely people who would step in and make pathways for me. The owner of the ranch I live on figured out how both my ex-husband and I could now live in two houses, in effect paying double rent on the single income I was making. As I stood by and watched I was astonished at how things would just line up. This beautiful home magically open up for me, which was everything, I could have asked for. The ranch workers showed up and loaded up all my worldly belongings on the flat bed trailer and moved it for me. Everything just kept working out, somehow things were being handled so that I could totally disintegrate. My new house was a miraculous sanctuary, truly a cocoon for me to hibernate in, to slowly heal in and begin to figure out who I was. As I did this I examined everything I though I knew about myself. I looked into new ways of being, discovered old desires and interests and after a time started living again. Really living... from my heart not my mind or sense of what I "should" be doing.
As I posted before I discovered drumming in an African drum group, which eventually had me in a parade playing my Djembe.
I got physical again and started enjoying the miracle that was my strong body. I took time to enjoy life, not filling every waking moment with activity. Walks on the beach, time with my friends, workshops in subjects that interested me... I started to enjoy my life.
(image from Pinterest)
As many of you know I went through an unexpected divorce almost 3 years ago. Pain and sorrow had totally taken me, I truly though my life was ending... and in a way it did. My old life, one that was not quite allowing me to be fully in this world, in my gifts, living, being and loving to the highest was ending. Something more true and meaningful for me was about to begin, but I sure didn't know it at the time. All I knew was a pain so great I though I would totally be consumed in the intensity of it.
(image from Pinterest)
At critical points Spirit would send me the most unlikely people who would step in and make pathways for me. The owner of the ranch I live on figured out how both my ex-husband and I could now live in two houses, in effect paying double rent on the single income I was making. As I stood by and watched I was astonished at how things would just line up. This beautiful home magically open up for me, which was everything, I could have asked for. The ranch workers showed up and loaded up all my worldly belongings on the flat bed trailer and moved it for me. Everything just kept working out, somehow things were being handled so that I could totally disintegrate. My new house was a miraculous sanctuary, truly a cocoon for me to hibernate in, to slowly heal in and begin to figure out who I was. As I did this I examined everything I though I knew about myself. I looked into new ways of being, discovered old desires and interests and after a time started living again. Really living... from my heart not my mind or sense of what I "should" be doing.
(image from Pinterest)
As I posted before I discovered drumming in an African drum group, which eventually had me in a parade playing my Djembe.
(thats me in the center with my fellow parade drummers)
I got physical again and started enjoying the miracle that was my strong body. I took time to enjoy life, not filling every waking moment with activity. Walks on the beach, time with my friends, workshops in subjects that interested me... I started to enjoy my life.
(I started painting again…)
I felt whole and alive again, a true miracle! Now 3 years later I look at a life… my life… one that I am so intensely grateful
for. It is very real and so much
more me that I could have believed!
I have a Man in my life that shares my interests on a deep level.
We seem to understand each other and even when the going gets rough we have the tools to get through it. This is new for me. I am beginning to believe that we can probably get through anything as we are able to talk in a real way, neither one getting defensive, speaking as much as we are able from what is happening inside us. We speak and own our feelings without pointing any fingers. It is a relief to be able to speak what is true for me without hitting a wall of defensiveness. I used to do the same thing so I am not saying it was all my ex’s fault, these are tools we didn’t have. We just didn’t communicate well. Now that seems to be behind me. I have so much love in my heart for my ex and the life we shared together. I know I learned a lot. I wish him the very best and I hope he is able to learn these tools and then find love again.
Here we are being silly for a Steampunk wedding that I design with his help
We seem to understand each other and even when the going gets rough we have the tools to get through it. This is new for me. I am beginning to believe that we can probably get through anything as we are able to talk in a real way, neither one getting defensive, speaking as much as we are able from what is happening inside us. We speak and own our feelings without pointing any fingers. It is a relief to be able to speak what is true for me without hitting a wall of defensiveness. I used to do the same thing so I am not saying it was all my ex’s fault, these are tools we didn’t have. We just didn’t communicate well. Now that seems to be behind me. I have so much love in my heart for my ex and the life we shared together. I know I learned a lot. I wish him the very best and I hope he is able to learn these tools and then find love again.
My Man has also given me the gift of music, bringing this beautiful
magic into my life, a magic that I didn’t even know I was missing. I could never have believed it but I am
now singing… (WOW!) And playing
percussion.
I honesty thought my
voice was horrible and that I was unable to carry a tune, I had been told that
at a very young age so I have gone through my life believing this. Now I am astonished that I actually CAN
sing. I am not an Emmy Lou Harris
by a long shot but folks don’t run screaming from the room when I open my
mouth. I can get onstage with my
man and sing some harmony.
What’s
even more fun is I have been playing the Cajon with him at gigs. Whadayaknow… me onstage playing!
Truly a miracle I would never have believed possible. Most Fridays will find us on our
porch with close friends making music.
What a gift!
Here we are at a gig with me on the cajon. That is the back of my Man with such beautiful long hair…
(Here we are at a gig at the paradise store. That is me on the left singing with my girlfriends and our men backing us up on instruments. Believe it or not we actually started out singing acapela in three part harmony with me starting us off !!!! My knees were knocking BIG TIME!)
(My singing group of gals, Anita on the left plays guitar and ukulele phenomenally well too. And she has the voice of an angel. Thats Nancy on the right, you may recognize her as Aunt Louise, a better friend I could never hope to have! I love them soooo much!!!)
(Thats us on the porch!)
(some of the goodies from my store)
It was one of the happiest times in my life, going on buying trips to the reservations, camping and traveling by myself, bringing back beautiful unique art pieces.
(more goodies from my store)
It was so powerfully me, just me! The name Saroya I have always loved, even when I was a kid and no one could say it and I couldn’t even write it. It was this beautiful exotic name that belonged to me! I saw myself on camels out in the Sahara with treasures found along the silk road…
(image from Pinterest)
Aladdin’s cave with treasure boxes spilling forth baubles and jewels, incense and flowing caftans… sigh*
(image from Pinterest)
(my own collection of Indian Saris)
My version of paradise.
(image from Pinterest)
I am sure being raised on a Date ranch helped this vision along nicely. I was now realizing that this is and has always been the real me. This name represented this beautiful woman inside of me, the woman I was finally letting out, the creative magical artist, the businesswoman, and the woman that loved all things exotic… it is more me than I had ever realized!
(Me and my Boho Man!!!)
(image from Pinterest)
(Maria and her husband Cliff)
The woman, Maria Bucarro would be the one who would lead me with her partner and mine holding down a base camp while I was out on the mountain. She is a powerful and deeply loving woman who I had had the pleasure of meeting a few months ago. Her husband is involved in the Man Kind Project along with my man. She has a lovely web presence with such compelling writing and beautiful insights; I would encourage you to peruse her wealth of inspiration and guidance. I felt she and her husband were a gift from Spirit answering this need deep inside of me, so I signed up and began the prep work. She had me do lots of emotional work, looking within, creating time lines of my life, and doing lots of writing. We would get together and talk, do ceremonial work and really cement what it was I needed from this quest. It was beautiful and I began to understand that the quest had already started and would culminate with my time on the mountain. This was exactly what I wanted and needed. I learned a great deal about myself through this process.
So after much work I was ready to start the fast on the mountain part of
the quest. We all went up to the
foothills of the Sierras and created a base camp where they would be for the
next several days and where I would launch from. My camp was not too far from them, but out of sight and
hearing (except when I was drumming they could hear that).
For a couple of days leading up to when I left camp on my own we did more work, both ceremonial and emotional and then at dawn on the first day of my quest I packed up my backpack and off I went.
(a feather that Maria gifted me that was in the medicine circle the whole time I was on my quest, photo is from my incredibly gifted Man)
For a couple of days leading up to when I left camp on my own we did more work, both ceremonial and emotional and then at dawn on the first day of my quest I packed up my backpack and off I went.
(The view from the top of the mountain. My Man went up after the quest and took some pictures)
I have thought long and hard as to what to tell you about it. It was a deeply moving and personal
experience and one I am not sure how much I want to share with the world. I can tell you that each day I
meditated, journeyed in a Shamanic way, wrote, drew and also just… was. The lack of food for 4 days and 4
nights was challenging. During the
first two days my body was cleansing out tons of toxins and generally going
through withdrawals. It was also when the craving for food was strongest. After that I think my body figured out
that I was not going to feed it no mater what signals it sent me so thankfully
it just stopped sending them. Once
past those initial two days the hunger stopped being my dominant thought, and I
could get on to other emotional work.
Our camp was somewhere around 10,000 feet so I was also experiencing a
very strong heart beat and general feeling of lack of oxygen.
I found it hard to sleep due to my heart rate and would wake up like a snorer does, snuffling and gasping. Those were the physical experiences, which was part of the “decent” and the deprivation that would help me get to the visions. The emotional was… well, all over the map. I was not bothered about being in nature alone. I love nature and have always found it nurturing and safe. I was not worried and in fact felt very supported, loved and safe. I relish alone time and now I had several days of it!!! Yippee! However with that said the focus was so internal that not having any distractions of books or music made the time seem particularly long, all I had were my own thoughts as company. I had nothing to do but go within. Four days of that is a lot.
I think I felt all the emotions with
the exception of fear. I was
tired, exhilarated, sad, happy, depressed, inspired, angry, shameful, defeated,
and triumphant. Sometimes I would
cycle through all those feelings in the course of a couple of hours. By the last day I was kind of empty,
just quiet, peaceful and grateful.
In between all the processing I drummed and rattled a lot, and just sat
and enjoyed the views. As I said I
was somewhere around 10,000 feet on a ridge line so I could see in all
directions for hundreds of miles.
(The view from the top of the mountain looking down on my camp. My Man was a bit sneaky and climbed above me to take some photos without me knowing)
I found it hard to sleep due to my heart rate and would wake up like a snorer does, snuffling and gasping. Those were the physical experiences, which was part of the “decent” and the deprivation that would help me get to the visions. The emotional was… well, all over the map. I was not bothered about being in nature alone. I love nature and have always found it nurturing and safe. I was not worried and in fact felt very supported, loved and safe. I relish alone time and now I had several days of it!!! Yippee! However with that said the focus was so internal that not having any distractions of books or music made the time seem particularly long, all I had were my own thoughts as company. I had nothing to do but go within. Four days of that is a lot.
(The view from one side of my camp enjoying sunset, again these were taken after my quest was over)
(another beautiful sunset)
That was THE message I came away with. Just… be happy, go have fun. Life is to be cherished, enjoyed, loved and appreciated! The more love, fun and happiness I can
experience, the more in line I am with Spirit and my true nature.
I must say that as I was getting that message I did wonder what in the
name of %*#! was I doing starving at the top of a mountain when all I was
supposed to do was have fun!!!! Oh
well… the things I seem to have to put myself through to feel connected and
loved…
Even now I still sometimes forget and get caught up in the concerns of
my life. I try to remember how I
felt on the mountain. I wrote
quite a bit on the quest so I am able to reread my journal transporting me back
to the feelings. That helps a
great deal.
The integration after the quest is actually the hardest part. It is easy to feel spiritual on a mountaintop. Back home with the pressing issues of
life and making a living makes it’s a bit more difficult. I try to take walks and have quite time
where I can connect again. Writing
this blog helps too.
After the quest, I hiked back down to base camp on wobbly legs and
joined my friends. I had THE most
wonderful miso soup and some avocado to start the process of eating again.
We sat in circle and I shared a
bit. I was and am still keeping
some of it close to my chest. I
don’t want to loose the power and energy of it by talking about it too
much. Eventually we broke
base camp and hiked back to our cars.
It was a huge surprise to discover that a bear had virtually destroyed our friend’s car trying to get in. Our car, which also had some food in it, had only a bear paw print on the back window. I truly felt like I had been in the protection of Bear and Spirit. The paw print was their blessing. My man and I took a slow and beautiful drive through the mountains into the tiny wonderful town of Kernville and found a lovely small hotel where we “camped” for a few days and recovered. We ate, slept and wandered about. It was some of the loveliest times of my life!
(Thats me at the end of the quest, trying to come off the mountain with an absurdly heavy pack on. It was COLD up there, so I had a tent and 2 sleeping bags, and I still was cold. Glad I didn't have to do it the traditional way, naked with no creature comforts at all…)
(me, at the bottom of the mountain after a little Miso soup.)
It was a huge surprise to discover that a bear had virtually destroyed our friend’s car trying to get in. Our car, which also had some food in it, had only a bear paw print on the back window. I truly felt like I had been in the protection of Bear and Spirit. The paw print was their blessing. My man and I took a slow and beautiful drive through the mountains into the tiny wonderful town of Kernville and found a lovely small hotel where we “camped” for a few days and recovered. We ate, slept and wandered about. It was some of the loveliest times of my life!
So dear reader, thank you for hanging in on a rather long blog post.
I have been in a thoughtful mood for quite a while now and that with the
name change and the vision quest stirred in me a desire to blather on. I wish you much joy, happiness and sparkly MAGIC in
your life!
Delight in the beauty that is out there. I hope that is able to over ride any negativity you may encounter. Know that I am happily eating away, reading, playing music and enjoying life.
(image from Pinterest)
Delight in the beauty that is out there. I hope that is able to over ride any negativity you may encounter. Know that I am happily eating away, reading, playing music and enjoying life.
In deep gratitude of my many blessings,
Tricia SAROYA!!!!!!
Yippeeeeee
