Gratitude and Amazement!!!!!

Hello my blog friends…
Life is sure an amazing ride isn't it?  

(image from Pinterest)

Sometimes if I am conscious enough to pay attention and even actually get out of the way I am stunned into awe over the beauty of it.  I see from time to time some kind of higher power's intention for my life.  I am so grateful for those moments.  They confirm my belief in this higher power who seems to be guiding me, keeping me on some sort of a path of purpose even when I unwittingly try to derail it.  I have been especially aware of this guidance over the last 3 or so years.  

(image from Pinterest)

As many of you know I went through an unexpected divorce almost 3 years ago.  Pain and sorrow had totally taken me, I truly though my life was ending... and in a way it did.  My old life, one that was not quite allowing me to be fully in this world, in my gifts, living, being and loving to the highest was ending.  Something more true and meaningful for me was about to begin, but I sure didn't know it at the time. All I knew was a pain so great I though I would totally be consumed in the intensity of it.  

(image from Pinterest)

At critical points Spirit would send me the most unlikely people who would step in and make pathways for me.  The owner of the ranch I live on figured out how both my ex-husband and I could now live in two houses, in effect paying double rent on the single income I was making.  As I stood by and watched I was astonished at how things would just line up.   This beautiful home magically open up for me, which was everything, I could have asked for.  The ranch workers showed up and loaded up all my worldly belongings on the flat bed trailer and moved it for me.    Everything just kept working out, somehow things were being handled so that I could totally disintegrate.   My new house was a miraculous sanctuary, truly a cocoon for me to hibernate in, to slowly heal in and begin to figure out who I was.  As I did this I examined everything I though I knew about myself.  I looked into new ways of being, discovered old desires and interests and after a time started living again.  Really living...  from my heart not my mind or sense of what I "should" be doing.  

(image from Pinterest)

As I posted before I discovered drumming in an African drum group, which eventually had me in a parade playing my Djembe.  

(thats me in the center with my fellow parade drummers)

I got physical again and started enjoying the miracle that was my strong body.  I took time to enjoy life, not filling every waking moment with activity.  Walks on the beach, time with my friends, workshops in subjects that interested me...  I started to enjoy my life.  

(I started painting again…)

I felt whole and alive again, a true miracle!  Now 3 years later I look at a life… my life…  one that I am so intensely grateful for.  It is very real and so much more me that I could have believed!  I have a Man in my life that shares my interests on a deep level.  

Here we are being silly for a Steampunk wedding that I design with his help

We seem to understand each other and even when the going gets rough we have the tools to get through it.  This is new for me.  I am beginning to believe that we can probably get through anything as we are able to talk in a real way, neither one getting defensive, speaking as much as we are able from what is happening inside us.  We speak and own our feelings without pointing any fingers.  It is a relief to be able to speak what is true for me without hitting a wall of defensiveness.  I used to do the same thing so I am not saying it was all my ex’s fault, these are tools we didn’t have.  We just didn’t communicate well.  Now that seems to be behind me.  I have so much love in my heart for my ex and the life we shared together.  I know I learned a lot.  I wish him the very best and I hope he is able to learn these tools and then find love again.

My Man has also given me the gift of music, bringing this beautiful magic into my life, a magic that I didn’t even know I was missing.  I could never have believed it but I am now singing…  (WOW!) And playing percussion. 

Here we are at a gig with me on the cajon.  That is the back of my Man with such beautiful long hair…

I honesty thought my voice was horrible and that I was unable to carry a tune, I had been told that at a very young age so I have gone through my life believing this.  Now I am astonished that I actually CAN sing.  I am not an Emmy Lou Harris by a long shot but folks don’t run screaming from the room when I open my mouth.  I can get onstage with my man and sing some harmony.  

(Here we are at a gig at the paradise store.  That is me on the left singing with my girlfriends and our men backing us up on instruments.   Believe it or not we actually started out singing acapela in three part harmony with me starting us off !!!!  My knees were knocking BIG TIME!)

(My singing group of gals, Anita on the left plays guitar and ukulele phenomenally well too.  And she has the voice of an angel.  Thats Nancy on the right, you may recognize her as Aunt Louise, a better friend I could never hope to have!  I love them soooo much!!!)

What’s even more fun is I have been playing the Cajon with him at gigs.  Whadayaknow…  me onstage playing!  Truly a miracle I would never have believed possible.   Most Fridays will find us on our porch with close friends making music.  What a gift!

(Thats us on the porch!)

In addition to all the other changes I have been going through lately I also came to a rather large decision…  to change my name.  Originally when my ex-husband and I divorced I chose to keep his last name.  There were so many reasons for this not the least of which was I had a substantial business built up around it.  I think I was also clinging to a life I was not ready to let go of yet.   So, here I was finally happy to be on my own, celebrating a new me, yet with an old name.  A name that was not me, it belonged to someone else.  However it felt so daunting to change it and what would I change it to?  I no longer felt a connection to my family name, it felt like going in reverse to take my maiden name back, and I didn’t want a made up name.  Then one day it hit me …  I would use my middle name, Saroya!  Years ago I had a most wonderful and magical store where I sold Native American art and jewelry.  I called it Saroya Southwest.  

(some of the goodies from my store)

It was one of the happiest times in my life, going on buying trips to the reservations, camping and traveling by myself, bringing back beautiful unique art pieces.  

(more goodies from my store)

It was so powerfully me, just me!  The name Saroya I have always loved, even when I was a kid and no one could say it and I couldn’t even write it.  It was this beautiful exotic name that belonged to me!  I saw myself on camels out in the Sahara with treasures found along the silk road…

(image from Pinterest)

Aladdin’s cave with treasure boxes spilling forth baubles and jewels, incense and flowing caftans…  sigh*  

(image from Pinterest)

(my own collection of Indian Saris)

My version of paradise. 

(image from Pinterest)

I am sure being raised on a Date ranch helped this vision along nicely.  I was now realizing that this is and has always been the real me.  This name represented this beautiful woman inside of me, the woman I was finally letting out, the creative magical artist, the businesswoman, and the woman that loved all things exotic…  it is more me than I had ever realized!   

(Me and my Boho Man!!!)

So I officially changed my old name of Patricia (my Mom’s name) Saroyan Fountaine to Tricia (just me!) Saroya…  yippee!!!!  Bring on the jewels and incense!!!

(image from Pinterest)

So as my life this last year or so has been unfolding in such unexpected and magical ways, I started feeling the need to mark it somehow.  To mark time in a ceremonial way.  I wanted to honor what had been, what is now and what I am calling in.  To ritually and ceremonially officially begin this extraordinary new life.  I understand that life and time is an ebb and flow with no one particular day that is the start or ending.  However I had been feeling for a while that I wanted to go through kind of a rite of passage.  My man had gone out on a vision quest early in our relationship and it peaked my interest.  It seemed a bit scary (I mean really ….  No tea or food for how many days?!!!!!), yet real and as old as time.  I eventually met a wonderful couple that led people, individuals and groups, on quests.  

(Maria and her husband Cliff)

The woman, Maria Bucarro would be the one who would lead me with her partner and mine holding down a base camp while I was out on the mountain.  She is a powerful and deeply loving woman who I had had the pleasure of meeting a few months ago.  Her husband is involved in the Man Kind Project along with my man.  She has a lovely web presence with such compelling writing and beautiful insights; I would encourage you to peruse her wealth of inspiration and guidance. I felt she and her husband were a gift from Spirit answering this need deep inside of me, so I signed up and began the prep work.  She had me do lots of emotional work, looking within, creating time lines of my life, and doing lots of writing.  We would get together and talk, do ceremonial work and really cement what it was I needed from this quest.  It was beautiful and I began to understand that the quest had already started and would culminate with my time on the mountain.  This was exactly what I wanted and needed.  I learned a great deal about myself through this process.

So after much work I was ready to start the fast on the mountain part of the quest.  We all went up to the foothills of the Sierras and created a base camp where they would be for the next several days and where I would launch from.  My camp was not too far from them, but out of sight and hearing (except when I was drumming they could hear that).  

(a feather that Maria gifted me that was in the medicine circle the whole time I was on my quest, photo is from my incredibly gifted Man)

For a couple of days leading up to when I left camp on my own we did more work, both ceremonial and emotional and then at dawn on the first day of my quest I packed up my backpack and off I went. 

(The view from the top of the mountain.  My Man went up after the quest and took some pictures)

I have thought long and hard as to what to tell you about it.  It was a deeply moving and personal experience and one I am not sure how much I want to share with the world.   I can tell you that each day I meditated, journeyed in a Shamanic way, wrote, drew and also just… was.  The lack of food for 4 days and 4 nights was challenging.  During the first two days my body was cleansing out tons of toxins and generally going through withdrawals. It was also when the craving for food was strongest.  After that I think my body figured out that I was not going to feed it no mater what signals it sent me so thankfully it just stopped sending them.  Once past those initial two days the hunger stopped being my dominant thought, and I could get on to other emotional work.  Our camp was somewhere around 10,000 feet so I was also experiencing a very strong heart beat and general feeling of lack of oxygen.  

(The view from the top of the mountain looking down on my camp.  My Man was a bit sneaky and climbed above me to take some photos without me knowing)

I found it hard to sleep due to my heart rate and would wake up like a snorer does, snuffling and gasping.  Those were the physical experiences, which was part of the “decent” and the deprivation that would help me get to the visions.  The emotional was…  well, all over the map.  I was not bothered about being in nature alone.  I love nature and have always found it nurturing and safe.  I was not worried and in fact felt very supported, loved and safe.  I relish alone time and now I had several days of it!!!  Yippee!  However with that said the focus was so internal that not having any distractions of books or music made the time seem particularly long, all I had were my own thoughts as company.  I had nothing to do but go within.  Four days of that is a lot.  

(The view from one side of my camp enjoying sunset, again these were taken after my quest was over)

I think I felt all the emotions with the exception of fear.  I was tired, exhilarated, sad, happy, depressed, inspired, angry, shameful, defeated, and triumphant.  Sometimes I would cycle through all those feelings in the course of a couple of hours.  By the last day I was kind of empty, just quiet, peaceful and grateful.  In between all the processing I drummed and rattled a lot, and just sat and enjoyed the views.  As I said I was somewhere around 10,000 feet on a ridge line so I could see in all directions for hundreds of miles. 

(another beautiful sunset)

Here is what I am most happy to share with you from the many deeply personal experiences I had…  Be happy!

That was THE message I came away with.  Just… be happy, go have fun.  Life is to be cherished, enjoyed, loved and appreciated!  The more love, fun and happiness I can experience, the more in line I am with Spirit and my true nature. 

I must say that as I was getting that message I did wonder what in the name of  %*#!   was I doing starving at the top of a mountain when all I was supposed to do was have fun!!!!  Oh well… the things I seem to have to put myself through to feel connected and loved…

Even now I still sometimes forget and get caught up in the concerns of my life.  I try to remember how I felt on the mountain.  I wrote quite a bit on the quest so I am able to reread my journal transporting me back to the feelings.  That helps a great deal.

The integration after the quest is actually the hardest part.  It is easy to feel spiritual on a mountaintop.  Back home with the pressing issues of life and making a living makes it’s a bit more difficult.  I try to take walks and have quite time where I can connect again.  Writing this blog helps too.

After the quest, I hiked back down to base camp on wobbly legs and joined my friends.  I had THE most wonderful miso soup and some avocado to start the process of eating again.   

(Thats me at the end of the quest, trying to come off the mountain with an absurdly heavy pack on.  It was COLD up there, so I had a tent and 2 sleeping bags, and I still was cold.  Glad I didn't have to do it the traditional way, naked with no creature comforts at all…)

We sat in circle and I shared a bit.  I was and am still keeping some of it close to my chest.  I don’t want to loose the power and energy of it by talking about it too much.   Eventually we broke base camp and hiked back to our cars.  

(me, at the bottom of the mountain after a little Miso soup.)

It was a huge surprise to discover that a bear had virtually destroyed our friend’s car trying to get in.  Our car, which also had some food in it, had only a bear paw print on the back window.  I truly felt like I had been in the protection of Bear and Spirit.  The paw print was their blessing.   My man and I took a slow and beautiful drive through the mountains into the tiny wonderful town of Kernville and found a lovely small hotel where we “camped” for a few days and recovered.  We ate, slept and wandered about.  It was some of the loveliest times of my life!

So dear reader, thank you for hanging in on a rather long blog post.

I have been in a thoughtful mood for quite a while now and that with the name change and the vision quest stirred in me a desire to blather on.  I wish you much joy, happiness and sparkly MAGIC in your life!

(image from Pinterest)

Delight in the beauty that is out there.  I hope that is able to over ride any negativity you may encounter.  Know that I am happily eating away, reading, playing music and enjoying life.

In deep gratitude of my many blessings,

Tricia SAROYA!!!!!!  Yippeeeeee

Hibernating and reflections on the Holidays

Hello my blog friends.  I have been away for almost exactly one month now.  Time does fly doesn't it? Life has been both full and quiet this last month.  I have been settling into a new winter routine, enjoying my lovely home, reveling in my wonderful pot belly stove and fireplace.  I am so relieved to report that my first holiday season as a single woman didn't break me as I had feared.  I found myself slipping into hibernation this winter season much to my delight.

  For the better part of my life I have been involved in retail in which the holiday season is to be milked for all it's worth.  I had my own store selling handmade Native American crafts and art right smack dab in the middle of a plastic glitzy mall... a respite of heart made items amongst the mad consumer driven plastic gadgets.

 My store always did well and I looked forward to celebrating my favorite season in my precious store surrounded by my sales people who were very much part of my family, as well as my treasured customers.  They were so loyal and respectful of all the beautiful things we sold.

 It was a lovely time even though the hours were long and the pressure of making enough money to get you through the slow spring was all encompassing.  As I exchanged retail for floral design and events, the insane holiday busyness didn't abate but continued.  There were hundreds of feet of garlands to make, holiday parties to decorate, jammed packed delivery vans trying to get to everyone the last two days before Christmas so folks would have their flowers for their dinner table.  Then we would load up our car and head to the desert in the wee hours of Christmas morning to spend time with family, though we were bleary eyed and exhausted.  We always felt that we had been thrown off a fast spinning merry-go-round to land in the desert not sure of anything but a deep tiredness.  There was always a long re-entry period after the holidays where you tried to get back on some kind of normal schedule and rest up a bit.

This holiday season, I did sell some of my Faerie creations at several holiday shows which allowed me the joy of creating beautiful things late into the cold evenings sitting by my fireplace.

However I couldn't enter all the shows I wanted to as some had been pre-booked for months.  I also didn't have much floral work not by choice but seemingly more by Universal design.  It felt as if all the world conspired to keep me in my cave, quiet and dreaming this winter.

When I made plans to celebrate the winter solstice I caught a rather all encompassing cold that took me to my bed for several days and made me cancel all plans.   I hadn't put up any decorations to speak of so no mad rushing around decking the halls.  I had decided that to put up a Christmas tree and decorate the house would be far to sad, all those ornaments of years gone by would bring up too many painful memories, I just couldn't do it.  However I knew I needed to do something...  The child in me needed some bit of cheer or sparkly bits.  I come from a huge tradition of very big celebrations.  My Mom was Christmas personified!  Every single room would have decorations up, including the itsy bitsy bathroom we called the "Mud Room".  Any holiday TV special required we plan our evenings around watching the shows with hot cider and snacks.  There were beautifully set tables with friends invited for meals, an embarrassment of presents for everyone!  I remember one particular Christmas a neighbor of ours had fallen on hard times.  The poor woman was a single mom with two kids, recently split from her no-good husband.  She had tearfully related that there would be no Christmas at her house that year.  Mom quietly conspired and very, very late Christmas eve Mom and I went into her house while they slept (mom had a key), with a pre-decorated and lit Christmas tree which we plugged in and loads of presents for her boys and her.  We left her living room filled with Christmas cheer, cookies, presents, and all aglow by the light of the twinkle lights on the tree.  That memory completely overshadows whatever I got for Christmas that year, I can't tell you anything about what was under our tree.  We were all so eagerly waiting to see her astonishment and happiness.  That was worth all the presents is Santa's Sleigh.  Mom loved the giving part of Christmas, the coming together of friends and family and the celebration.  The rest of the year we were more on the quiet side, not terribly social.  Christmas was different.  Ever since she passed away when I was 12,  I carried on the tradition.  Happily being the red-nosed ring leader, decorating anything and everything, making sure everyone had presents, cooking Christmas dinner...  You name it I did it.  Underneath it all I always had a pervading melancholy.  I knew that if I didn't lead the charge it wouldn't happen.  Most folks were not really into the holidays so I had to cajole everyone into their part.  Even when I was with others that were into Christmas I still felt down/happy.  I would be missing Mom, our family traditions.  It always felt so sad even though I still also enjoyed it.  Feelings are not always very clear are they?  This year I didn't have much work, no parties to attend or throw, only two people to exchange gifts with, no decorations...  To say I was worried is putting it mildly.  I knew I needed to recreate the holidays for myself in some manor or potentially fall into a very deep abyss of dispare.  I needed to make it special for myself but fresh and new, no sad memories.  Something to mark the season, my new path, honor where I have come from and where I am going.  I decided my new tradition was going to be a soft and quiet Winter Solstice ritual.

I invited 3 of my friends, 2 dear old-soul-sisters and one new, old-soul-sister.  I cleaned my house, put fresh pine boughs on my mantle.  Set candles everywhere.

Created Cedar, Sage and Sweet Grass bundles, collected shells and designed a magic ritual about letting go of the old, the patterns that doesn't serve us anymore and welcoming in the new beautiful blessings that we are asking for.  We were to write on small bits of handmade paper what we were letting go of and tie it to the bundles and then toss them in the fire for the smoke to carry it away for us.

 Then we were to write our prayers, our desires on shells with water soluble markers and then place them in the ocean.

All the while calling in the love and support of our ancestors, our guides, and God.  Asking for guidance and expressing our gratitude for all our incredible blessings.

It would have been a beautiful ritual....   except I got pretty sick and spent the day in bed!  "OK" I thought, this holiday is to be completely solitary!  I did a quiet, very small ritual for myself and then went back to bed.  The rest of the days and Christmas I slept a lot, read books, watched movies, went for long walks, and enjoyed my quiet, now clean (for the solstice) house.  Christmas day I went to see the Hobbit (Fabulous!!!!!) and thoroughly enjoyed myself  (I have since gone back 3 times!).  I kept gingerly feeling around in me for the sadness, like one keeps gently touching a once sore tooth with your tongue... and much to my surprise I was OK!  After a couple of days of reflection I figured it out.  This was the first Christmas in my adult life (or since the age of 12) that I didn't have to please anyone but me.  No trying to keep up with traditions, no being the only one that was into it and feeling alone in the process.  Here I was now actually alone and totally content.  Quite a revelation!
I am now slowly coming out of my quiet time.  I think I really like this idea of hibernating through the winter.

I think I might plan for this every year (next time I will be able to anticipate the money situation better and not be quite so concerned about finances).  I was able to rest, reflect, write, dream and plan.

It was wonderful and a very gentle way to start the new year.  I did have several days of sadness, missing my partner, but I had the time to work through them and come out the other side.  I think this tradition of winter hibernation is more in keeping with my European ancestry.  It feels as old as time and very right somehow.  More about going within, honoring the passing of the seasons, reflecting and being grateful for my life and my many blessings, limiting my time in public and enjoying the company of my kitties.  Being quiet and listening to my soul, my guides and God.   I tell ya... will miracles never cease!
Anyway all in all it has been a good winter, still is.  I am remaining quiet for a bit longer but also starting to work on projects too, booking events for this year, starting to plan some beautiful weddings.  I spent a couple of days filming some floral design classes that I will be offering in the next month or so, very exciting!   I will share with you all about that project in a later post.    I have also finally compiled a bunch of pictures of all my great stuff and put them onto a web site thereby launching a vintage prop rental company.  It is called Vintage Vignettes and here is a link http://truevintagevignettes.blogspot.com/search/label/Vintage%20items
I have mentioned that I have a lot of cool stuff and now you will see for yourself.  There are over 270 items and I am not even close to being done : )!!!  So even though I have been quiet I haven't been completely idle (though mostly).  I have slept a lot (lovely)!  Lots of insightful dreams.

I process so much in my dreams...  do you?
I have also started Instagraming!  Soooo much fun!  If you are interested follow me at triciafountaine
There will be tons of pics of cool props, behind the scenes of weddings, flowers and kitties of course.  Also ranch life and pretty sunsets.   I love these new "magazines" of inspirations, Tumbler, Pinterest, Instagram...  sooo many pretty pictures to devour.  So many ideas rattling around in my head.  I guess hibernating is good?!  Who would have thought...  hmmmm...  wonder what other great new traditions I should look into...

 I promise I will be back soon.  Loads of pictures of 2012 weddings to show you.

Winter Blessings to all of you.

Tricia

Some thoughts

Life is sure an unexpected ride at times.  

I find myself completely on my own, alone and solely responsible for myself for the first time in my life.  It is not a good or bad feeling really.  It is however very sobering.  

It is a little daunting, and very…  I want to say uncomfortable but that is not quite right…  new, like a new pair of shoes you really want to like but they are a bit stiff in the wearing.  One hopes they will feel softer and more comfortable as they get broken in. 

I have spent the vast majority of my life being part of a team.  I was my father’s daughter for really the first half of my life.  

While I was that I was also one half of a partnership that lasted for many years.  For the last almost 20 years I have been one half of a marriage.  One I loved and felt very comfortable with.  Even in the rough spots and those were unquestionably there I still indentified myself as a wife.  I was Tricia but hyphenated with my husband’s name there as well.  There in lies some of the work I am doing.  Discovering what it means to be just me.  In the morning and during the day it is an intriguing, sometimes fun and exciting journey.  

In the evenings at times it can be a lonely feeling sometimes verging on an overwhelmingly fragile and vulnerable existence. 

I go outside and sit with the vast natural surroundings that my house is situated in.  I listen to the crickets, and cicadas and marvel that it is just me and…  THIS.  

This life, this beautiful, precious, vast and amazing but sometimes scary world and me… just me.

There are days when I feel part of a whole, that we are all one.  I look into people’s eyes and see us as all part of a big picture. 

But then there are days when it is just little me, and I feel very separate.  Who am I, what do I want.  What are my plans now that it is just me.  Big questions indeed!

If I should take the step in the future to mix my life with another how do I not repeat the same patterns?  How do I stay Tricia, not Tricia and (fill in the blank).  I read books like Conversations with God by Neal Donald Welsh and he says that after the initial intense coming together you should actively push the other away from you.  That to be needy and enmeshed is to be unhealthy.  

Be together but not.  The Abraham-Hicks books take a similar stance. This is a foreign concept to me.  In every other topic these books ring so true for me.  I am just struggling with a bigger view on relationships.  There is an intriguing aspect to the way they paint a healthy relationship.  It seems right but how do you love someone and not immerse your life with theirs.  How do you maintain your separateness in your coming together?  I thought I believed in a soul mate.  Maybe there are several soul mates… or none at all.  I sometimes wonder if these are the young thoughts of a girl raised on faerie tales.  

At the age of 50 should I think otherwise?  I do believe in powerful connections with others, familiar ones that feel old as the ages.  But what is a soul mate?  If we are all one then maybe everyone is a soul mate.  I think of these things to try to understand what happened in my relationship.  

I don’t necessarily look at it as where did we go wrong.  I am also trying to let go of the notion of wrong and right.  But I do want to understand what happened.  I would like to be very conscious in my life from this point on.  I thought I was before but…? 

I don’t know…  Life is just so big right now. I have so many desires, things I want to do, projects, experiences I want to have…  it’s just…  so huge.  And it is just little me right now, and sometimes staying under the bed covers and reading Tolkien is so much safer.   

I have no family to speak of, no children, husband or partner.  I guess that could be considered a good thing.  I am just trying it on for size at the moment, not sure if it is good or bad or neither one.  To use the shoe analogy it just kind of pinches at the moment.  I do like the look of these shoes;

 I think they could be wonderful…eventually… I hope!  Do you know what I mean?  I think I am in a rather fanciful and pensive state of mind at the moment.  Just curious about your take on my ramblings.  Those of you in happy long-term relationships, what are your thoughts?  I would appreciate your experience.

PS all pictures from Tumbler and Pinterest (just love them!!!)