(This is a shoot I designed with Carolyn Tran photographing and Claire Pettibone's dresses)
Thank you Byron Katie for the title…
My life… what an amazing journey!
This last year and a half has been quite a ride. Lots of ups and downs. The downs I have found have been tremendous openings to learn more about me. How to be… me… just… me.
Sounds so simple doesn't' it! You would think that is what I would do best. Wrong! I have found that it is very easy to be who I think I SHOULD be, not who I REALLY am in that moment.
(a bouquet from the above shoot)
There is strength and peace in just being me, in allowing "what is" to be real… to be the REALITY of that moment.… and… being OK with that. That "what is" includes me in whatever state I am in, in that moment. Being OK with the messy, needy, crying, scared me. I have told myself a story of what being a strong, evolved and conscious women looks like. It means always being the patient, loving no-matter-what woman. The Divine essence of Woman. She would look in my eyes like a compassionate, loving, kind presence. One that does not get lost in Ego, judgement or feels hurt or takes anything personal. I have forgotten about all those beautiful and Divine Goddesses shown in a rage, broken hearted and anything but calm and at peace.
(This is a shoot I designed with Carolyn Tran photographing and Claire Pettibone's dresses)
I am learning that She is all things. The Divine Feminine has been speaking to me in the last couple of years. Calling me to investigate Her. To find Her in me. I am leaning that She is and always has been… Me. Me in all my glorious and many moods. I am leaning to allow whatever is happening to just happen. To not imprint what I think should be on what is. Sounds so basic but I have found it to be quite a practice. I am slowly abandoning all my previous ideas of what… everything… is or should be. I am starting to evaluate each situation, person, belief, emotion right then and see how it feels to me in the moment. I am leaning to understand what "no judgement" looks like compared to what discerning what is OK or not for me looks like. Not making one thing or person bad or wrong, just maybe not for me, in that moment. Not quite there yet, however to even be aware of this subtlety seems like a beautiful improvement in my life.
(a beautiful wedding with a Spanish flare)
I think Spirit has sent me situations so I can learn this. A few years ago I passionately and from my soul asked for more connection with Spirit, for more connection with me, my path, my purpose in this life, to find happiness. Deep lasting peace and happiness. I knew there must be more to life that what I was experiencing… I just didn't know how to get there. I am learning… Peace and happiness seem now to be choices, Spirit has never been that far from me, I have just been opening up and hearing and feeling more. I have noticed that in those beautiful moments of peace, or the completion of a situation or project, I experience a moment of calm, of content. In that moment I feel my mind whirling… looking for the next situation to worry or immerse myself in. I see my mind is making my reality. I am leaning to have a talk with myself. To assure that all is well right in that very moment. Breath into the calm that is right now. To not get too hooked by the next situation. There will always be one. Choose peace, and even in a moment where I am all worked up by something, to just let that emotion be. The more I try to judge my experience and my feelings the bigger and out of whack they get. Just. Be.
I am also not owning everyone else's experience so much these days. This allows me to be more with me, to allow… me. If I am mad, so be it. Is it my "mad" or someone else's? Am I taking on someone else's anger or sadness? Assuring my child that if I get mad or sad or am experiencing another's sadness or anger doesn't mean I will be abandoned. No one can truly abandon me. I will always have myself. I am the one constant in my life. Easy to say, challenging to get my child to believe this. Definitely better though.
(a bouquet with paper flowers I made for a recent wedding)
One of the beautiful things I have been doing for myself is painting a lot.
It is a beautiful meditation where I am able to suspend my active mind. To exist in the moment.
To push thick color around on the canvass, actual 3-dimensional color is glorious! I connect with Spirit and then paint what I am being called to.
The images that are coming out are amazing and oh so fun! I have been feeling powerfully called to explore different creative mediums and go deeper inside of me. This is absolute pure joy!!!!
To reflect these changes I have been in the process of changing my web page to represent myself as more of an artist, not just with a focus on events. I can design your event, paint your totem or create your ceremony for you. I love this change. It feels like a beautiful doorway to deeper aspects of myself and the second half of my life!
Hopefully it will be up and live next week. Here is a link that will work in a week or so… wwwtriciasaroya.com My old name Tricia Fountaine www.triciafountaine.com will always work, both now and later, connecting to the new web site.
I am also pursuing setting up an art showing, finally getting this collection out into the world.
Another fun thing that I am doing is creating a deck of divination cards based on the paintings and the animals represented. I absolutely can't wait for these. I am having a blast designing them! Layers and layers of imagery, symbols, and…. color!!! Soooo fun!
I like to think that through my creations I am helping others to restore their own soul as well. Or at least connect with themselves and Spirit.
Huge Blessings to all of you!
Tricia Saroya
