Loving what is… and random beauty

(This is a shoot I designed with Carolyn Tran photographing and Claire Pettibone's dresses)

Thank you Byron Katie for the title…

My life… what an amazing journey!
This last year and a half has been quite a ride.  Lots of ups and downs.  The downs I have found have been tremendous openings to learn more about me.  How to be…  me… just… me.
Sounds so simple doesn't' it!  You would think that is what I would do best.  Wrong!  I have found that it is very easy to be who I think I SHOULD be, not who I REALLY am in that moment.

(a bouquet from the above shoot)

There is strength and peace in just being me, in allowing "what is" to be real… to be the REALITY of that moment.… and… being OK with that.   That "what is" includes me in whatever state I am in, in that moment.  Being OK with the messy, needy, crying, scared me.   I have told myself a story of what being a strong, evolved and conscious women looks like.  It means always being the patient, loving no-matter-what woman.  The Divine essence of Woman.  She would look in my eyes like a compassionate, loving, kind presence.  One that does not get lost in Ego, judgement or feels hurt or takes anything personal.  I have forgotten about all those beautiful and Divine Goddesses shown in a rage, broken hearted and anything but calm and at peace.  

(This is a shoot I designed with Carolyn Tran photographing and Claire Pettibone's dresses)

I am learning that She is all things.  The Divine Feminine has been speaking to me in the last couple of years.  Calling me to investigate Her.  To find Her in me.  I am leaning that She is and always has been…  Me.  Me in all my glorious and many moods.  I am leaning to allow whatever is happening to just happen.  To not imprint what I think should be on what is.  Sounds so basic but I have found it to be quite a practice.  I am slowly abandoning all my previous ideas of what…  everything…  is or should be.  I am starting to evaluate each situation, person, belief, emotion right then and see how it feels to me in the moment.  I am leaning to understand what "no judgement" looks like compared to what discerning what is OK or not for me looks like.  Not making one thing or person bad or wrong, just maybe not for me, in that moment.  Not quite there yet, however to even be aware of this subtlety seems like a beautiful improvement in my life.

(a beautiful wedding with a Spanish flare)

To try and always come from Love.  That sounds so beautiful and peaceful.  However, to give that grace to me has been a challenge.  To love me even when I don't really feel very lovable.  To be OK with the Me in the moment.  Now that is truly Love!  One aspect of that means allowing my emotions to come out in a safe way.  To be nonjudgmental about whatever emotion is running through me.  To not always take action on whatever my mind is telling me to do.  To be gentle and kind with myself.  To know that being mad, sad, glad, scared or ashamed is being human.  It is just the weather and will pass.  I am learning not to get too hooked by the feelings.  I still get hooked but the hook is not set too deep these days.

I think Spirit has sent me situations so I can learn this.  A few years ago I passionately and from my soul asked for more connection with Spirit, for more connection with me, my path, my purpose in this life, to find happiness.  Deep lasting peace and happiness.  I knew there must be more to life that what I was experiencing…  I just didn't know how to get there.   I am learning…  Peace and happiness seem now to be choices, Spirit has never been that far from me, I have just been opening up and hearing and feeling more.   I have noticed that in those beautiful moments of peace, or the completion of a situation or project, I experience a moment of calm, of content.  In that moment I feel my mind whirling… looking for the next situation to worry or immerse myself in.  I see my mind is making my reality.  I am leaning to have a talk with myself.  To assure that all is well right in that very moment.  Breath into the calm that is right now.  To not get too hooked by the next situation.  There will always be one.  Choose peace, and even in a moment where I am all worked up by something, to just let that emotion be.  The more I try to judge my experience and my feelings the bigger and out of whack they get.  Just. Be.

I am also not owning everyone else's experience so much these days.  This allows me to be more with me, to allow… me.  If I am mad, so be it.  Is it my "mad" or someone else's?  Am I taking on someone else's anger or sadness?  Assuring my child that if I get mad or sad or am experiencing another's sadness or anger doesn't mean I will be abandoned.  No one can truly abandon me.  I will always have myself. I am the one constant in my life.  Easy to say, challenging to get my child to believe this.   Definitely better though.

(a bouquet with paper flowers I made for a recent wedding)

One of the beautiful things I have been doing for myself is painting a lot. 

 It is a beautiful meditation where I am able to suspend my active mind.   To exist in the moment.

To push thick color around on the canvass, actual 3-dimensional color is glorious!  I connect with Spirit and then paint what I am being called to.  

The images that are coming out are amazing and oh so fun!  I have been feeling powerfully called to explore different creative mediums and go deeper inside of me.  This is absolute pure joy!!!!   

To reflect these changes I have been in the process of changing my web page to represent myself as more of an artist, not just with a focus on events.  I can design your event, paint your totem or create your ceremony for you. I love this change.  It feels like a beautiful doorway to deeper aspects of myself and the second half of my life!

Hopefully it will be up and live next week.  Here is a link that will work in a week or so…  wwwtriciasaroya.com  My old name Tricia Fountaine www.triciafountaine.com will always work, both now and later, connecting to the new web site. 

I am also pursuing setting up an art showing, finally getting this collection out into the world.

Another fun thing that I am doing is creating a deck of divination cards based on the paintings and the animals represented.  I absolutely can't wait for these.  I am having a blast designing them!  Layers and layers of imagery, symbols, and….  color!!!  Soooo fun!

Life is good my friends.  Even when there is heartbreak and challenges.  I am learning it is the journey and how I am choosing to be in the moment.  I am also soooo happy to be embracing more of my gifts, being an ARTIST!  I found a quote that really speaks to me…

I like to think that through my creations I am helping others to restore their own soul as well.  Or at least connect with themselves and Spirit.  

Huge Blessings to all of you!

Tricia Saroya

  

Hibernating and reflections on the Holidays

Hello my blog friends.  I have been away for almost exactly one month now.  Time does fly doesn't it? Life has been both full and quiet this last month.  I have been settling into a new winter routine, enjoying my lovely home, reveling in my wonderful pot belly stove and fireplace.  I am so relieved to report that my first holiday season as a single woman didn't break me as I had feared.  I found myself slipping into hibernation this winter season much to my delight.

  For the better part of my life I have been involved in retail in which the holiday season is to be milked for all it's worth.  I had my own store selling handmade Native American crafts and art right smack dab in the middle of a plastic glitzy mall... a respite of heart made items amongst the mad consumer driven plastic gadgets.

 My store always did well and I looked forward to celebrating my favorite season in my precious store surrounded by my sales people who were very much part of my family, as well as my treasured customers.  They were so loyal and respectful of all the beautiful things we sold.

 It was a lovely time even though the hours were long and the pressure of making enough money to get you through the slow spring was all encompassing.  As I exchanged retail for floral design and events, the insane holiday busyness didn't abate but continued.  There were hundreds of feet of garlands to make, holiday parties to decorate, jammed packed delivery vans trying to get to everyone the last two days before Christmas so folks would have their flowers for their dinner table.  Then we would load up our car and head to the desert in the wee hours of Christmas morning to spend time with family, though we were bleary eyed and exhausted.  We always felt that we had been thrown off a fast spinning merry-go-round to land in the desert not sure of anything but a deep tiredness.  There was always a long re-entry period after the holidays where you tried to get back on some kind of normal schedule and rest up a bit.

This holiday season, I did sell some of my Faerie creations at several holiday shows which allowed me the joy of creating beautiful things late into the cold evenings sitting by my fireplace.

However I couldn't enter all the shows I wanted to as some had been pre-booked for months.  I also didn't have much floral work not by choice but seemingly more by Universal design.  It felt as if all the world conspired to keep me in my cave, quiet and dreaming this winter.

When I made plans to celebrate the winter solstice I caught a rather all encompassing cold that took me to my bed for several days and made me cancel all plans.   I hadn't put up any decorations to speak of so no mad rushing around decking the halls.  I had decided that to put up a Christmas tree and decorate the house would be far to sad, all those ornaments of years gone by would bring up too many painful memories, I just couldn't do it.  However I knew I needed to do something...  The child in me needed some bit of cheer or sparkly bits.  I come from a huge tradition of very big celebrations.  My Mom was Christmas personified!  Every single room would have decorations up, including the itsy bitsy bathroom we called the "Mud Room".  Any holiday TV special required we plan our evenings around watching the shows with hot cider and snacks.  There were beautifully set tables with friends invited for meals, an embarrassment of presents for everyone!  I remember one particular Christmas a neighbor of ours had fallen on hard times.  The poor woman was a single mom with two kids, recently split from her no-good husband.  She had tearfully related that there would be no Christmas at her house that year.  Mom quietly conspired and very, very late Christmas eve Mom and I went into her house while they slept (mom had a key), with a pre-decorated and lit Christmas tree which we plugged in and loads of presents for her boys and her.  We left her living room filled with Christmas cheer, cookies, presents, and all aglow by the light of the twinkle lights on the tree.  That memory completely overshadows whatever I got for Christmas that year, I can't tell you anything about what was under our tree.  We were all so eagerly waiting to see her astonishment and happiness.  That was worth all the presents is Santa's Sleigh.  Mom loved the giving part of Christmas, the coming together of friends and family and the celebration.  The rest of the year we were more on the quiet side, not terribly social.  Christmas was different.  Ever since she passed away when I was 12,  I carried on the tradition.  Happily being the red-nosed ring leader, decorating anything and everything, making sure everyone had presents, cooking Christmas dinner...  You name it I did it.  Underneath it all I always had a pervading melancholy.  I knew that if I didn't lead the charge it wouldn't happen.  Most folks were not really into the holidays so I had to cajole everyone into their part.  Even when I was with others that were into Christmas I still felt down/happy.  I would be missing Mom, our family traditions.  It always felt so sad even though I still also enjoyed it.  Feelings are not always very clear are they?  This year I didn't have much work, no parties to attend or throw, only two people to exchange gifts with, no decorations...  To say I was worried is putting it mildly.  I knew I needed to recreate the holidays for myself in some manor or potentially fall into a very deep abyss of dispare.  I needed to make it special for myself but fresh and new, no sad memories.  Something to mark the season, my new path, honor where I have come from and where I am going.  I decided my new tradition was going to be a soft and quiet Winter Solstice ritual.

I invited 3 of my friends, 2 dear old-soul-sisters and one new, old-soul-sister.  I cleaned my house, put fresh pine boughs on my mantle.  Set candles everywhere.

Created Cedar, Sage and Sweet Grass bundles, collected shells and designed a magic ritual about letting go of the old, the patterns that doesn't serve us anymore and welcoming in the new beautiful blessings that we are asking for.  We were to write on small bits of handmade paper what we were letting go of and tie it to the bundles and then toss them in the fire for the smoke to carry it away for us.

 Then we were to write our prayers, our desires on shells with water soluble markers and then place them in the ocean.

All the while calling in the love and support of our ancestors, our guides, and God.  Asking for guidance and expressing our gratitude for all our incredible blessings.

It would have been a beautiful ritual....   except I got pretty sick and spent the day in bed!  "OK" I thought, this holiday is to be completely solitary!  I did a quiet, very small ritual for myself and then went back to bed.  The rest of the days and Christmas I slept a lot, read books, watched movies, went for long walks, and enjoyed my quiet, now clean (for the solstice) house.  Christmas day I went to see the Hobbit (Fabulous!!!!!) and thoroughly enjoyed myself  (I have since gone back 3 times!).  I kept gingerly feeling around in me for the sadness, like one keeps gently touching a once sore tooth with your tongue... and much to my surprise I was OK!  After a couple of days of reflection I figured it out.  This was the first Christmas in my adult life (or since the age of 12) that I didn't have to please anyone but me.  No trying to keep up with traditions, no being the only one that was into it and feeling alone in the process.  Here I was now actually alone and totally content.  Quite a revelation!
I am now slowly coming out of my quiet time.  I think I really like this idea of hibernating through the winter.

I think I might plan for this every year (next time I will be able to anticipate the money situation better and not be quite so concerned about finances).  I was able to rest, reflect, write, dream and plan.

It was wonderful and a very gentle way to start the new year.  I did have several days of sadness, missing my partner, but I had the time to work through them and come out the other side.  I think this tradition of winter hibernation is more in keeping with my European ancestry.  It feels as old as time and very right somehow.  More about going within, honoring the passing of the seasons, reflecting and being grateful for my life and my many blessings, limiting my time in public and enjoying the company of my kitties.  Being quiet and listening to my soul, my guides and God.   I tell ya... will miracles never cease!
Anyway all in all it has been a good winter, still is.  I am remaining quiet for a bit longer but also starting to work on projects too, booking events for this year, starting to plan some beautiful weddings.  I spent a couple of days filming some floral design classes that I will be offering in the next month or so, very exciting!   I will share with you all about that project in a later post.    I have also finally compiled a bunch of pictures of all my great stuff and put them onto a web site thereby launching a vintage prop rental company.  It is called Vintage Vignettes and here is a link http://truevintagevignettes.blogspot.com/search/label/Vintage%20items
I have mentioned that I have a lot of cool stuff and now you will see for yourself.  There are over 270 items and I am not even close to being done : )!!!  So even though I have been quiet I haven't been completely idle (though mostly).  I have slept a lot (lovely)!  Lots of insightful dreams.

I process so much in my dreams...  do you?
I have also started Instagraming!  Soooo much fun!  If you are interested follow me at triciafountaine
There will be tons of pics of cool props, behind the scenes of weddings, flowers and kitties of course.  Also ranch life and pretty sunsets.   I love these new "magazines" of inspirations, Tumbler, Pinterest, Instagram...  sooo many pretty pictures to devour.  So many ideas rattling around in my head.  I guess hibernating is good?!  Who would have thought...  hmmmm...  wonder what other great new traditions I should look into...

 I promise I will be back soon.  Loads of pictures of 2012 weddings to show you.

Winter Blessings to all of you.

Tricia